Peppermint.

I call this stoner pie because you can never be stoned enough to fuck this up. Except the topping. that can be replaced with a canned topping if you’re a lame fucker who hates delicious things.

okay. Go to the store. Right now. Buy two tubs of cool whip and two packs of cream cheese. Also two pie crusts and two pints of strawberries. Sugar too, if you’re a communist and don’t have any. Also some graham crackers. FUN FACT: You can also make your own pie crust by melting butter and mashing a bunch of graham crackers into the bottom. Then bake that for 5 minutes so it’s hard and shit. Or don’t. Personally I don’t think you need to (PS ADD SOME OREOS INTO THAT SHIT FOR MAXIMUM AWESOME)

NOW. You’re back from your shitty grocery store with horrible music and lighting that makes your head hurt. Go have a cigarette, smoke a joint, do a couple shots, listen to heavy metal, whatever you wanna do BUT LEAVE THAT COOL WHIP AND CREAM CHEESE OUT.

Now dice alla those strawberries. Or at least a pint. Put them in a non-metallic bowl and pour a shit ton of sugar in there. Mix. Coat those motherfuckers in sugar. Now cover that shit with plastic wrap or a plate if you give a shit about the environment. Place in fridge because you don’t want this shit to spoil.

Now you’ve got to wait until that cream cheese is room temp or so. Combine one packet of cream cheese with one tub of cool whip. The second tub and packet are for when you fuck up because you will if you’re as fucked up as I am as I write this.

OKAY. SO NOW EVERYTHING IS ROOM TEMP OR WARMER? GOOD. I forgot a vital part to this. Put on some banging tunes. NOW. Or go home. I mean, you’re probably already home so I guess you should just stop reading this.

Okay. Get a bowl. Right now. Go. Combine the delicious cool whip with the devilish cream cheese.  Oh wait. Right. Already said that. Add sugar. At least a cup, no more than two. Combine until sugar is no longer grainy. YOU DO NOT WANT CONFECTIONERS SUGAR THAT SHIT IS GOOD FOR A LOT OF THINGS BUT NOT THIS. DO NOT, I REPEAT. DO NOT USE CONFECTIONERS SUGAR. Add as much sugar as possible. You want a sugar coma for this shit.

OKAY YOUR FILLING IS DONE PUT IT ON TOP OF THE CRUST. NOW THE FUN BEGINS.

TAKE YOUR STRAWBERRY MIXTURE ONCE IT’S LIQUID-Y AND PUT REDUCE THAT SHIT TO A SAUCE. AKA PUT IT IN A PAN ON A LOW HEAT AND STIR THAT FUCKER UNTIL IT’S SAUCY. POUR ON TOP OF PIE.

DONE.

Your filling SHOULD fill at least two pies. Any leftover filling should be eaten. Your graham crackers? good now. ALSO EXPERIMENT WITH THAT SAUCE. Add in bananas. Blueberries (which are purple. whoever named that fucked up really bad. pretty sure they were color blind)

anyways. NOW YOU EAT THIS SHIT. IT WILL BE MESSY. IT WILL BE DELICIOUS. FORKS, SPOONS, SPORKS, KNIVES (if you want to be a badass, which you do) FUCK. YOU CAN EVEN DUST THIS SHIT WITH THAT CONFECTIONERS SUGAR YOU FUCKERS LOVE SO MUCH.

because I’m that fucking good.

tip: tea or lemonade mask vodka better than anything you could dream up. just put some lemonade mix straight into your vodka and you’re good to fucking go.

kinda wish I could blend this, it would be AWESOME. Strawberry lemonade vodka yeah I win all the awards

vigasmessyroom started following you